I remember Ian...From Paris
Nov. 24th, 2008 | 05:12 pm
2nd June 2007 was one of the saddest days of my life...I lost a friend. It was the first time I've ever lost a friend, and it was hard for me. I have not written anything here for quite a while, but trust me when I say..everyday I remember Ian.
I recall his zest for life, and his strong positive fighting spirit. In his remembrance, I tell myself to embrace each day and to live life happily, meaningfully and lovingly.
Cancer has claimed him physically but his spirit was still intact, and his livejournal entries are a testament to that. I hope friends reading this will help to introduce Ian's livejournal entries to relatives, loved ones, friends and acquaintances who are doing their battle with cancer whether as a patient or as a caregiver.
I hope many will find renewed strength in Ian's words. My father is now undergoing final stage of cancer which had spread from his kidney to his lungs and now brain. In a few days, he will be transferred to a hospice...with it is deep sadness I am writing this, because it brings back those last days with Ian.
Life is short, the only thing constant is change. So live kindly, gently and wholeheartedly...and put oneself in others'shoes once in a while for empathy.
I love you Ian...remember you always...
Your friend,
Paris
I recall his zest for life, and his strong positive fighting spirit. In his remembrance, I tell myself to embrace each day and to live life happily, meaningfully and lovingly.
Cancer has claimed him physically but his spirit was still intact, and his livejournal entries are a testament to that. I hope friends reading this will help to introduce Ian's livejournal entries to relatives, loved ones, friends and acquaintances who are doing their battle with cancer whether as a patient or as a caregiver.
I hope many will find renewed strength in Ian's words. My father is now undergoing final stage of cancer which had spread from his kidney to his lungs and now brain. In a few days, he will be transferred to a hospice...with it is deep sadness I am writing this, because it brings back those last days with Ian.
Life is short, the only thing constant is change. So live kindly, gently and wholeheartedly...and put oneself in others'shoes once in a while for empathy.
I love you Ian...remember you always...
Your friend,
Paris
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Visit to Mandai Columbarium
Jul. 23rd, 2007 | 10:41 pm
Today, we visited Ian's final resting place at the Mandai Columbarium with his mum. Yesterday was his birthday, but as me and Willin worked Sundays, Monday was a better day for our visit cum picnic.
It was a sobering experience, it was the first time I have seen Ian's memorial marble plaque, it was beautifully done.
The yellow card showed a hand written poem by Ian's sister and Vivian...
Lots of flowers...lots of love
We also visited the memorial plaque of a late hubby of Ian's friend, who also succumbed to cancer. However we also spotted some memorial plaques of very young people and even babies....quite sad, and a reflection of how fragile life is...the photos showed vibrant youths whose lives were so short...
However, the plaques were wonderfully and lovingly decorated by their friends and loved ones...which gave me some ideas for Ian's...since he likes colorful stuff :)
These two memorial plaques had mobile accessories, sports car figurines and soft toys...
This sweet one belonged to a cute baby...can feel the mum's sadness and love
Was surprised to see this gentleman's memorial plaque here, I have seen him many times when he was alive. Very fit and sporty chap, and was saddened and shocked to hear about his passing 2 years ago.
For those of you who wish to visit Ian's memorial plaque...its located at Mandai Columbarium (same place as Mandai Crematorium) at Block D , Level 2 , Room 3 #02-06.
The environment was very nice at the resting area on level one with water features and landscaped garden, we had a nice picnic with lotsa food...including Ian's fave fried rice lovingly prepared by his maid, my GuiLing Gao, some dessert and drinks...very filling.
Willin, Rose with new hair or non-hair-do (Hair for Hope - Cancer charity event)and Ian's mum
It was a sobering experience, it was the first time I have seen Ian's memorial marble plaque, it was beautifully done.
The yellow card showed a hand written poem by Ian's sister and Vivian...
Lots of flowers...lots of love
We also visited the memorial plaque of a late hubby of Ian's friend, who also succumbed to cancer. However we also spotted some memorial plaques of very young people and even babies....quite sad, and a reflection of how fragile life is...the photos showed vibrant youths whose lives were so short...
However, the plaques were wonderfully and lovingly decorated by their friends and loved ones...which gave me some ideas for Ian's...since he likes colorful stuff :)
These two memorial plaques had mobile accessories, sports car figurines and soft toys...
This sweet one belonged to a cute baby...can feel the mum's sadness and love
Was surprised to see this gentleman's memorial plaque here, I have seen him many times when he was alive. Very fit and sporty chap, and was saddened and shocked to hear about his passing 2 years ago.
For those of you who wish to visit Ian's memorial plaque...its located at Mandai Columbarium (same place as Mandai Crematorium) at Block D , Level 2 , Room 3 #02-06.
The environment was very nice at the resting area on level one with water features and landscaped garden, we had a nice picnic with lotsa food...including Ian's fave fried rice lovingly prepared by his maid, my GuiLing Gao, some dessert and drinks...very filling.
Willin, Rose with new hair or non-hair-do (Hair for Hope - Cancer charity event)and Ian's mum
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Happy Birthday Ian - Rose
Jul. 23rd, 2007 | 10:27 am
Dearest Ian,
How precious you've been,
You were never gone from my thoughts,
Ever so alive in my heart & memory.
Missing you so much still,
May JESUS send this greeting from me to you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Love,
rOse
How precious you've been,
You were never gone from my thoughts,
Ever so alive in my heart & memory.
Missing you so much still,
May JESUS send this greeting from me to you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Love,
rOse
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A Poem to Ian on his Birthday from Sis, Mum and Vivian
Jul. 22nd, 2007 | 10:50 am
For Ian; Thinking of you on your birthday...
Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory,
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.
Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.
From Vivien, Karen & Mom
Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory,
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.
Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.
From Vivien, Karen & Mom
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Its Ian's Birthday today!
Jul. 22nd, 2007 | 10:38 am
It's Ian's Birthday today... Happy Birthday to my dearest friend in Heaven above :o)
Dearest Ian,
I remember you always every day as I live my life
I think of your strength and unlimited joy in every breath you take
I feel as if you have taken a long vacation abroad
Whenever I experience something interesting, see something nice or
even taste delicious food...
I would dedicate a portion of that experience to you
I know I sound childish, but in a way I keep your memory alive
My friend who I miss every second, minute, day....and time
Happy Birthday! My angelic brother
With love, Paris
Dearest Ian,
I remember you always every day as I live my life
I think of your strength and unlimited joy in every breath you take
I feel as if you have taken a long vacation abroad
Whenever I experience something interesting, see something nice or
even taste delicious food...
I would dedicate a portion of that experience to you
I know I sound childish, but in a way I keep your memory alive
My friend who I miss every second, minute, day....and time
Happy Birthday! My angelic brother
With love, Paris
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Lose your Hair, Light a Heart (Hair for Hope 07 - Fundraising for Children with cancer)
Jun. 25th, 2007 | 09:12 am
There is a fund raising event at Novena Square this Sunday 1st july 2007 for the Children's Cancer Foundation.
It's called : HAIR FOR HOPE - 12 noon til 7 pm (Velocity@Novena square) 1st July 2007
This is an annual event where members of the public shave their heads bald in empathy and support of children with cancer. Children undergoing chemo as well as adults tend to lose their hair and become bald. This is the only hair shaving event in Singapore, and it is to raise awareness and funds that will benefit the young cancer patients. Those not shaving can donate money in support of the event.
Family and friends of this year's 350 Hair Shaving volunteers are invited to come forward to pledge monetary support/donations to encourage their friends who are shaving their heads. For more info, pls visit www.ccf.org.sg/hfh
Ian's good friend Rose will be having her head shaved bald publicly at 1 pm at Velocity at Novena Square, I will unfortunately be at work, but those who can go, please do go and support her.
Sincerely,
Paris Lim
It's called : HAIR FOR HOPE - 12 noon til 7 pm (Velocity@Novena square) 1st July 2007
This is an annual event where members of the public shave their heads bald in empathy and support of children with cancer. Children undergoing chemo as well as adults tend to lose their hair and become bald. This is the only hair shaving event in Singapore, and it is to raise awareness and funds that will benefit the young cancer patients. Those not shaving can donate money in support of the event.
Family and friends of this year's 350 Hair Shaving volunteers are invited to come forward to pledge monetary support/donations to encourage their friends who are shaving their heads. For more info, pls visit www.ccf.org.sg/hfh
Ian's good friend Rose will be having her head shaved bald publicly at 1 pm at Velocity at Novena Square, I will unfortunately be at work, but those who can go, please do go and support her.
Sincerely,
Paris Lim
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I remember Ian's strength and his message
Jun. 16th, 2007 | 12:19 am
Ian's message to us is simple - Hold on to what you believe in, and don't ever give up your faith...Be strong, courageous and positive...though at times, we falter yet we get up again, and face our challenges stronger than before.
"Anything is possible. You can be told that you have a 90-percent chance or a 50-percent chance or a 1-percent chance, but you have to believe, and you have to fight.”
Despite his own condition, Ian stood under the sun selflessly to canvas for donations during cancer awareness fund raising...Despite it, he went for a 5 km Terry Fox run even when the weather was horrid, even when friends and family as well as doctors were against it...He believe and he overcome...
Dear friends,
If you ever see the cancer society supporters canvassing for funds, do give them your support and some of them are cancer survivors and warriors like Ian... dun shut them out or turn away from them. Show your support with a token.... a little support or donation goes a long way... And do give your support to people you know who are fighting cancer, they need all the encouragement they can get, as well as your company.
As friends, let us continue to fight Ian's cause by simply being more aware about the ongoing battles fought by the fellow cancer warriors of Ian. Ian once shared with me how kids laughed at him when he wore a pink ribbon in support of breast cancer awareness. How he told the kid that he himself was a cancer patient and that he wanted the kid to realize that cancer in any form is no laughing matter. For that very reason, I had encouraged all Ian's friends and family to wear a pink ribbon at his memorial service to remember his great courage and big heart.
I am thankful for the times spent with Ian, going out with him to museums to watch special performances, movies and shopping frenzies....I am thankful for the time spent with my dear friend who I miss constantly achingly...but who I know is now happily showing off his own set of wings to fellow angels...
His friend,
Paris
"Anything is possible. You can be told that you have a 90-percent chance or a 50-percent chance or a 1-percent chance, but you have to believe, and you have to fight.”
Despite his own condition, Ian stood under the sun selflessly to canvas for donations during cancer awareness fund raising...Despite it, he went for a 5 km Terry Fox run even when the weather was horrid, even when friends and family as well as doctors were against it...He believe and he overcome...
Dear friends,
If you ever see the cancer society supporters canvassing for funds, do give them your support and some of them are cancer survivors and warriors like Ian... dun shut them out or turn away from them. Show your support with a token.... a little support or donation goes a long way... And do give your support to people you know who are fighting cancer, they need all the encouragement they can get, as well as your company.
As friends, let us continue to fight Ian's cause by simply being more aware about the ongoing battles fought by the fellow cancer warriors of Ian. Ian once shared with me how kids laughed at him when he wore a pink ribbon in support of breast cancer awareness. How he told the kid that he himself was a cancer patient and that he wanted the kid to realize that cancer in any form is no laughing matter. For that very reason, I had encouraged all Ian's friends and family to wear a pink ribbon at his memorial service to remember his great courage and big heart.
I am thankful for the times spent with Ian, going out with him to museums to watch special performances, movies and shopping frenzies....I am thankful for the time spent with my dear friend who I miss constantly achingly...but who I know is now happily showing off his own set of wings to fellow angels...
His friend,
Paris
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In memory of my dear friend, the warrior of Life
Jun. 9th, 2007 | 09:55 pm
Eulogy by Paris - read at Ian's memorial service on 3rd June 2007 at The Church of Our Lady of Lourdes
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always used to laugh
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well
----------------------------------------
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always used to laugh
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well
----------------------------------------
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A Eulogy for Ian - by his friend, Willin
Jun. 7th, 2007 | 11:42 pm
Hi I am Willin. I know Ian from cell group and I really look forward to meeting Ian again in heaven. Today I will share a poem:
I'm free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seems all too brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.
*The above eulogy was said at Ian's last service held at Mandai... Many were moved by the poem read so eloquently by Ian's good and close friend, Willin.
Posted by Paris
I'm free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seems all too brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.
*The above eulogy was said at Ian's last service held at Mandai... Many were moved by the poem read so eloquently by Ian's good and close friend, Willin.
Posted by Paris
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Pictures of Ian's last service at Mandai (5th June at 3:45pm) ... For friends who missed the service
Jun. 6th, 2007 | 11:17 pm
An emotional last service at Mandai, singing Ian's favourite hymns...
Another pic...
The final journey...Dearest Ian, rest in peace....Miss you so much...
Pictures taken by Paris
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A sister remembers - by Karen Lam
Jun. 6th, 2007 | 11:28 am
A closed chapter: Ian, my beloved brother
I remember when Ian was little, I always put him under my wings. We would watch tv together, play together. Sometimes i would bring him out if I went out with friends. I would teach him things, even tell him about fashion, clothes or health. We formed a bond, we kept no secrets from each other. Once when I was very ill, Ian piggybacked me and rush out to the main road and get a cab to hospital. Eventually he grew his own wings and with his own opinions, differences submerged and a gap start to fall in. The 'gap' lasted for 5 years (2000 to 2005) where we cut each other off and stopped speaking.
In Dec 2005, mom called and told me Ian was diagnosed with cancer. For the 1st time, I felt fear and uncertainty of the future; and once again feeling love and warmth at the thought of seeing him. I'm never able to pick up from where we left off. Not because we have no love but because we have no more time.
If I could live this chapter all over again, I would enjoy every moment of the journey and taste it all again; the laughter, the tears, the bitterness and the sweetness. If there's anything Ian has taught me, it's that LOVE NEVER FORGETS!
From his sister, Karen
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Ian was featured in Chinese daily papers - Sin Min Je Bao
Jun. 5th, 2007 | 12:11 am
On 3rd June 2007, a reporter from the Chinese daily accompanied by her photographer came by to interview the friends and family of Ian. They wanted to know why Ian passed away at such a young age (he was 36). They decided to feature Ian after knowing about how Ian has selflessly supported cancer charity and awareness in Singapore.
How he braved through a 5 km Terry Fox run, stood in the hot sun canvassing for donations on the cancer society's flag day and how he caroled to terminally ill patients during last Christmas. They were also intrigued by how Ian had prepared detailedly his final arrangements. In fact for his service, Ian had chosen all the songs to be sung as well as played throughout the 2 days. Not to mention his livejournal entries as well as his positive no-backing-down stance against his cancer.
Below are pictures of the papers today:
How he braved through a 5 km Terry Fox run, stood in the hot sun canvassing for donations on the cancer society's flag day and how he caroled to terminally ill patients during last Christmas. They were also intrigued by how Ian had prepared detailedly his final arrangements. In fact for his service, Ian had chosen all the songs to be sung as well as played throughout the 2 days. Not to mention his livejournal entries as well as his positive no-backing-down stance against his cancer.
Below are pictures of the papers today:
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Ian's Memorial Service pictures
Jun. 5th, 2007 | 12:01 am
All the guests today at Ian's memorial service were invited to wear a pink ribbon (breast cancer awareness and support). All happily showed their support for Ian's commitment to cancer charity and activism by pinning it on their respective shirts and blouses. You can see the pink ribbons on a plate in front of the toy dog (also donning its own ribbon).
The service was emotionally charged with eulogies delivered by Ian's friends, and hymns chosen by Ian himself were sung at the service.
Tomorrow the cortege will leave The Church of Our Lady of Lourdes at 50 Ophir Road to Mandai Crematorium at 3pm. The ceremony at service hall 3 will start at 3:45pm.
Updates by Paris Lim
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In Memory
Jun. 2nd, 2007 | 10:58 pm
John 3:16 (New International Version)
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Ian Lam
22 July 1971 - 2 June 2007
Luke 23:43 (New King James Version)
And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Ian Lam
22 July 1971 - 2 June 2007
Luke 23:43 (New King James Version)
And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”
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Ian's Memorial service details
Jun. 2nd, 2007 | 01:22 pm
Dear Friends,
Ian's wake will be held at the Church of our Lady of Lourdes, 50 Ophir Road on Sunday and Monday evening at 8pm. In his final letter to me, Ian had requested for those who attend to be dressed in either all black or all white.
On Tuesday, he will be cremated at 3:45pm at mandai crematorium Hall 3. Thank you for your kind words and support for Ian.
Sincerely,
Paris Lim
Ian's wake will be held at the Church of our Lady of Lourdes, 50 Ophir Road on Sunday and Monday evening at 8pm. In his final letter to me, Ian had requested for those who attend to be dressed in either all black or all white.
On Tuesday, he will be cremated at 3:45pm at mandai crematorium Hall 3. Thank you for your kind words and support for Ian.
Sincerely,
Paris Lim
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Ian has passed away...
Jun. 2nd, 2007 | 08:53 am
Dear all,
Ian passed away peacefully this morning surrounded by his friends and loved ones.
He prepared his own obituary notice earlier in March, and told me to make it public in event of his death.
Please see his obituary notice posted on 1st march 2007 in his livejournal, now made public for all. Thank you for your kind prayers and support. I will update all once I have details of his wake.
God Bless,
Paris Lim
Ian passed away peacefully this morning surrounded by his friends and loved ones.
He prepared his own obituary notice earlier in March, and told me to make it public in event of his death.
Please see his obituary notice posted on 1st march 2007 in his livejournal, now made public for all. Thank you for your kind prayers and support. I will update all once I have details of his wake.
God Bless,
Paris Lim
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Ian is gravely ill...
May. 28th, 2007 | 08:59 pm
Dear Friends of Ian,
My name is Paris Lim, a close friend of Ian. I am writing this to inform you that Ian is now gravely ill, and is currently warded at the Intensive Care Unit at NUH, ward 26 room 3. Only 2 visitors are allowed at any one time to visit. He is heavily sedated and requires oxygen support. I have spoken with his doctor and the situation is grave. Those of you who have given him your unfailing support, I would like to offer you my heartfelt thanks.
Ian is a very brave cancer warrior, and I still hope for a miracle that he will bounce back again. I have accompanied him in his battle for more than a year since he was first diagnosed with lymphoma. He has given selflessly his time and committment to the cancer cause by writing this blog, as well as appearing on an online programme to share his experience.
Right now, his condition is worsened by pneumonia caused by a yet to be diagnosed lung infection. He presently requires round the clock oxygen support.
Please join me in my prayers for Ian's recovery, strength and courage in his gravest hour. thank you.
My name is Paris Lim, a close friend of Ian. I am writing this to inform you that Ian is now gravely ill, and is currently warded at the Intensive Care Unit at NUH, ward 26 room 3. Only 2 visitors are allowed at any one time to visit. He is heavily sedated and requires oxygen support. I have spoken with his doctor and the situation is grave. Those of you who have given him your unfailing support, I would like to offer you my heartfelt thanks.
Ian is a very brave cancer warrior, and I still hope for a miracle that he will bounce back again. I have accompanied him in his battle for more than a year since he was first diagnosed with lymphoma. He has given selflessly his time and committment to the cancer cause by writing this blog, as well as appearing on an online programme to share his experience.
Right now, his condition is worsened by pneumonia caused by a yet to be diagnosed lung infection. He presently requires round the clock oxygen support.
Please join me in my prayers for Ian's recovery, strength and courage in his gravest hour. thank you.
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Pschyed Up
Apr. 17th, 2007 | 05:17 pm
Mood: determined
Been resting at home most days......
feeling more & more unwell.
Getting sharp pains when I cough..... some shortness of breath......
& the worst bodyaches that just refuse to go away!
Very fatigue...... been sleeping most of the day & night too.
My psychiatrist has upped my medications a bit, hoping that it will boost morale with the impending transplant. (I wonder if the new drug is making me stony....)
Meanwhile I've called my medical team to re-confirm my admission and transplant dates.
They say its best not to delay anymore as it may jeopardise the success of the transplant.
I will be admitted 18th of April.
Pre-chemo will run from Friday onwards...
Therefore, Transplant will probably be on 26th April.
I have psyched myself enough for it.......
Come What May!!......
Oh God, let this be 'The Final Showdown'
and let it be a Victorious one !
feeling more & more unwell.
Getting sharp pains when I cough..... some shortness of breath......
& the worst bodyaches that just refuse to go away!
Very fatigue...... been sleeping most of the day & night too.
My psychiatrist has upped my medications a bit, hoping that it will boost morale with the impending transplant. (I wonder if the new drug is making me stony....)
Meanwhile I've called my medical team to re-confirm my admission and transplant dates.
They say its best not to delay anymore as it may jeopardise the success of the transplant.
I will be admitted 18th of April.
Pre-chemo will run from Friday onwards...
Therefore, Transplant will probably be on 26th April.
I have psyched myself enough for it.......
Come What May!!......
Oh God, let this be 'The Final Showdown'
and let it be a Victorious one !
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Re: Anonymous Messages & Comments
Apr. 13th, 2007 | 04:43 pm
Mood: Pissed OFF!!
NOTICE
From now on, I will no longer entertain 'anonymous' messages & comments.
I appreciate your dropping by.
But this will free me from the frustrations of the 'mind & guessing' games.
ALL 'anonymous' messages & comments will be ignored & deleted
with effect from now on.
Thank you.
ian_L
From now on, I will no longer entertain 'anonymous' messages & comments.
I appreciate your dropping by.
But this will free me from the frustrations of the 'mind & guessing' games.
ALL 'anonymous' messages & comments will be ignored & deleted
with effect from now on.
Thank you.
ian_L
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When Head and Heart doesn't rhyme....
Apr. 12th, 2007 | 08:53 pm
Mood: 
frustrated
Been feeling frustrated and acting out at medical staff.
The last straw was when I burst into a temper fit !!
My MSW talked to me and assessed that I'm not 'emotionally' ready for transplant.
Physically I am prepared and I feel strong enough to go thru it.
But she senses a lot of frustrations & fears within ...... the reasons I'm acting out.
"Your head and your heart doesn't rhyme"
I wanted to proceed.
"Get it OVER & DONE with!"
But she says that's already NOT the right attitude for transplant.
It takes MORE THAN just showing up and going thru the motions of procedures.
I will be highly drugged.......
and the side effects may manifest very badly.....
and I may feel REALLY sick!
That is the time they need to know I can be resilient enough to HANG ON.
(Not just showing up.... with a half-hearted attitude)
Transplant is postponed.
They've sent me home......for more rest,
to deal with those issues....
and prep myself up again.
(One more 'urgent review' with my psychiatrist is required)
The transplant date is currently TBA (To Be Advised)
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All Systems Go!
Apr. 6th, 2007 | 12:29 pm
Mood: 
nervous
The tests results have been reviewed by my Doc & medical team.
Its 'All Systems Go' as they confirm the schedules for my admission dates, pre-chemo & transplant etc.
I will be admitting on Thurs, 12th of April.
Pre-chemo will run from 13th to 17th of April.
This super strong chemo runs for 5 days, will wipe out the entire marrow to prepare it for its new occupants.
(I remember one nurse good-humoredly says...
"Its like Noah's Ark. You wipe out the old, bad guys.. & put in the new, good guys!" LOL)
I have a rest day on the 18th, though they will need to install a line on my neck for the infusion.
Transplant Day is on 19th of April.
They made me sign a contract (standard protocol again) stating that I've been explained the procedure, side effects, all the risks involved & that my Life may be 'at risk',..... 'at stake',.......... 'on the line'........
Oh heck.... (spell it out in black & white).......there is a possibility I may lose my Life.
This is the statistics of stem cell / bone marrow transplant.
10% don't make it...
and most of them from allogenic (donor) transplants due to cell rejection.
(Autologous transplants are very straight forward. Though there are also risks, its very different from allogenic transplants)
To me these are NOT just statistics!
Coincidentally there are 10 rooms in the High Dependency Transplant ward.
Every 2 to 3 weeks, a new patient gets transplanted.
Each one represents ONE Life!
These statistics tell me that... every 2 to 3 wks, out of these 10 ppl, ONE doesn't make it out of here alive!!
I've walked these doors myself and I get to know some of these patients.
And sadly, I personally knew these ppl.... who never walked OUT of those doors..... *sobs*
(Do you 'SEE' thru my eyes?)
To ME, these are NOT just numbers!.... that you read about in the papers...
They are Lifes!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The most common cause of fatality for allogenic (donor) transplant is cell rejection, also known as Host vs. Graft/Graft vs. Host.
The excerpt below is taken from cancer.gov -
Host vs. Graft/Graft vs. Host.
"Donated blood stem cell transplants bring with them their own distinctive "self" antigens.
The immune system of the patient, who is called a host, senses that these antigens are "unmatched"
or "non-self." This prompts the patient's immune cells to attack the donated (transplanted) cells, which are called a graft, and this assault can lead to the patient's rejection of the transplant ("host vs. graft").
More often, though, some mature donor immune cells that are mixed in among the transplanted blood stem cells recognize the antigens on the patient's body cells (host) as "non-self."
This causes the transplant to attack the patient's tissues and organs. The result is "graft vs. host" disease, which can be very serious. "
More info can be found here
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/under
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The more I read... the more nervous I get....
There is no point worrying.
The only thing I can do now is to pray......
& prep myself up mentally for the transplant.
Surrender all fears, worries & anxieties to God,
Do all that is humanly possible... & leave the impossible to God.
The end of human effort (man).......
..........is the beginning of Divine Power (God) !!
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Lab Rat for a Day!
Apr. 5th, 2007 | 12:05 pm
Mood: 
guilty
Was at NUH the entire day for a whole series of tests.
I had the same tests last year before my first transplant but
this is standard protocol before ANY transplant.
There will be various blood & urine tests, CT scan, dental check, lung function test & heart scan.
Reach Cancer centre at 9am and began an entire day of being a Lab Rat!!
It was so tiring.... especially I am still easily fatigued & having body aches for the longest time.... eeww....
The mindless waiting for hours, staring blankly at empty walls......
sometimes a tacky piece of "Art" looms on the wall....
looking at the facial expressions of fellow patients & I realise how much agony is written on their faces......
Morale isn't exactly great!
Sitting in the waiting lounge, all bundled up in a sweater & cap lowered down, arms crossed.
Feeling irritated & acting out at medical staff....
being ALOOF & not wanting to smille at anyone. I ponder why I act this way....
As I skim the room, seeing other bald, skinny cancer patients......
I am reminded of my own afflictions.....
It's like looking into a mirror .... and you don't like what you see......
*sobs*....
I feel guilty for feeling this way....
I ask the Lord to remove this bitterness from me,
and instead to fill me with compassion again to have a heart for these ppl, my fellow comrades....
I had the same tests last year before my first transplant but
this is standard protocol before ANY transplant.
There will be various blood & urine tests, CT scan, dental check, lung function test & heart scan.
Reach Cancer centre at 9am and began an entire day of being a Lab Rat!!
It was so tiring.... especially I am still easily fatigued & having body aches for the longest time.... eeww....
The mindless waiting for hours, staring blankly at empty walls......
sometimes a tacky piece of "Art" looms on the wall....
looking at the facial expressions of fellow patients & I realise how much agony is written on their faces......
Morale isn't exactly great!
Sitting in the waiting lounge, all bundled up in a sweater & cap lowered down, arms crossed.
Feeling irritated & acting out at medical staff....
being ALOOF & not wanting to smille at anyone. I ponder why I act this way....
As I skim the room, seeing other bald, skinny cancer patients......
I am reminded of my own afflictions.....
It's like looking into a mirror .... and you don't like what you see......
*sobs*....
I feel guilty for feeling this way....
I ask the Lord to remove this bitterness from me,
and instead to fill me with compassion again to have a heart for these ppl, my fellow comrades....
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4th cycle of R-GIFOX
Mar. 31st, 2007 | 11:46 am
Was admitted from 12th to 28th March.
This was my 4th (and final) cycle of R-GIFOX chemo regime.
(I still have a high dose chemo before transplant, but thats using different drugs)
Got a fever (Yes AGAIN!) on the first day and they had to stop & hold my chemo for a day for observation & safety reasons.
They put me on antibiotic drip (again) that runs for more than 10 days.
Despite the fever, they re-started chemo the next day.
Same routine...... Same reactions....... Same protocol.........
I was FLAT OUT for several days due to the side effects, combined with the fever (that at times hit past more than 39*c +),
and ALL the drugs that was running thru my system.
Slept all day & night..... and didn't eat a thing at all........
Felt so achy, weak, tired, nausea & groggy......
One of the worst feeling ever!
By the 2nd week, physically I got a little better,
though was frustrated & bored to bits.....!!...... that I'm still stuck in this place.
I can't move around much, also its troublesome to, cos of the cumbersome drip stand which I've to push around!
So most of the time I stay within the confines of my bed.
Appetite starts to pick up and I gradually start to eat.
Mom usually brings me lunch everyday- Soup, a veg & brown rice.
Nothing spells comfort like home-cooked food!
Soups are good to start with especially after chemo when you haven't eaten for days.
Its comforting, appetising & easy to digest and gradually whets your appetite for more solid foods.
I drink a lot of fruit juices too.
Freshly squeezed or supermaket packs are fine.
(though for freshly squeezed, you need to make sure that the stall is hygienic)
It also helps digestion & appetite, and increases calorie count too!
Once awhile, friends come by so I get them to buy me any food that I have a craving for.
A nice, cheery Sunflower given to me by one of the patient's daughter.
its REAL! Some ppl thought it was fake....... Look at how tall it is!
One of the nurses helped me put it in a heavy jar filled with water ; )
Before I became neutropenic, they started giving me the neutrophil jabs!
Therefore for several days, my cell count hovered around 1+plus, just above the safety level.
I said there's "No point giving me the GCSF jabs cos they just delay me from becoming neutropenic!"
The faster I become neutropenic, the faster I get transferred to Islolation room,
and once my count picks up, the faster i can go home!!
But they insisted it didn't work this way & that the jabs are a precaution lest my count falls to dangerously low levels.
After 14 days I finally became neutropenic! So happy!
The medical staff are baffled.... they've never seen a patient neutropenic & so joyful about it! ; )
But I know I only need to wait out the next few days and I can go home once my count starts increasing.
Anyway I like being in Isolation room.
You have your own attached bathroom (much cleaner), TV (with cable - Hoorays!), phone etc.
Also there's more privacy and its much more quiet & peaceful.
Especially in the day if I wanna nap, I'll just draw the blinds & switch off the lights.
I've also stopped taking the voriconazole (for the lung infection) although its working very well to clean up the lungs.
But at $15 K a month, its just Too EXPENSIVE !
My medical team has no choice but to find me cheaper alternatives.
They put me on this itraconazole syrup which costs $235 a bottle every 3 days.
( Not cheap too but at least easier to swallow than a $250 tablet !! )
Itraconazole may be cheaper but now only God knows if it will work as good as voriconazole.....
Only time will tell.......
My count started to climb within a few days as expected.
And Nothing spells comfort more than Home!!
I am just so glad to be out.
This time, I have a 2 week break for me to rest & recover before transplant.
(Better than the last few rounds when I had barely 3 days out!)
The transplant is scheduled for mid April and I may admit a few days prior to it.
I am so glad & I thank God that everything is running on track and according to schedule.
Next week I need to go thru a series of tests.
The same tests I went thru before my 1st transplant.
But Its standard protocol before any transplant.
Oh.... I feel like a Lab rat.......
This was my 4th (and final) cycle of R-GIFOX chemo regime.
(I still have a high dose chemo before transplant, but thats using different drugs)
Got a fever (Yes AGAIN!) on the first day and they had to stop & hold my chemo for a day for observation & safety reasons.
They put me on antibiotic drip (again) that runs for more than 10 days.
Despite the fever, they re-started chemo the next day.
Same routine...... Same reactions....... Same protocol.........
I was FLAT OUT for several days due to the side effects, combined with the fever (that at times hit past more than 39*c +),
and ALL the drugs that was running thru my system.
Slept all day & night..... and didn't eat a thing at all........
Felt so achy, weak, tired, nausea & groggy......
One of the worst feeling ever!
By the 2nd week, physically I got a little better,
though was frustrated & bored to bits.....!!...... that I'm still stuck in this place.
I can't move around much, also its troublesome to, cos of the cumbersome drip stand which I've to push around!
So most of the time I stay within the confines of my bed.
Appetite starts to pick up and I gradually start to eat.
Mom usually brings me lunch everyday- Soup, a veg & brown rice.
Nothing spells comfort like home-cooked food!
Soups are good to start with especially after chemo when you haven't eaten for days.
Its comforting, appetising & easy to digest and gradually whets your appetite for more solid foods.
I drink a lot of fruit juices too.
Freshly squeezed or supermaket packs are fine.
(though for freshly squeezed, you need to make sure that the stall is hygienic)
It also helps digestion & appetite, and increases calorie count too!
Once awhile, friends come by so I get them to buy me any food that I have a craving for.
A nice, cheery Sunflower given to me by one of the patient's daughter.
its REAL! Some ppl thought it was fake....... Look at how tall it is!
One of the nurses helped me put it in a heavy jar filled with water ; )
Before I became neutropenic, they started giving me the neutrophil jabs!
Therefore for several days, my cell count hovered around 1+plus, just above the safety level.
I said there's "No point giving me the GCSF jabs cos they just delay me from becoming neutropenic!"
The faster I become neutropenic, the faster I get transferred to Islolation room,
and once my count picks up, the faster i can go home!!
But they insisted it didn't work this way & that the jabs are a precaution lest my count falls to dangerously low levels.
After 14 days I finally became neutropenic! So happy!
The medical staff are baffled.... they've never seen a patient neutropenic & so joyful about it! ; )
But I know I only need to wait out the next few days and I can go home once my count starts increasing.
Anyway I like being in Isolation room.
You have your own attached bathroom (much cleaner), TV (with cable - Hoorays!), phone etc.
Also there's more privacy and its much more quiet & peaceful.
Especially in the day if I wanna nap, I'll just draw the blinds & switch off the lights.
I've also stopped taking the voriconazole (for the lung infection) although its working very well to clean up the lungs.
But at $15 K a month, its just Too EXPENSIVE !
My medical team has no choice but to find me cheaper alternatives.
They put me on this itraconazole syrup which costs $235 a bottle every 3 days.
( Not cheap too but at least easier to swallow than a $250 tablet !! )
Itraconazole may be cheaper but now only God knows if it will work as good as voriconazole.....
Only time will tell.......
My count started to climb within a few days as expected.
And Nothing spells comfort more than Home!!
I am just so glad to be out.
This time, I have a 2 week break for me to rest & recover before transplant.
(Better than the last few rounds when I had barely 3 days out!)
The transplant is scheduled for mid April and I may admit a few days prior to it.
I am so glad & I thank God that everything is running on track and according to schedule.
Next week I need to go thru a series of tests.
The same tests I went thru before my 1st transplant.
But Its standard protocol before any transplant.
Oh.... I feel like a Lab rat.......
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Freshly squeezed Beetroot juice
Mar. 9th, 2007 | 05:04 pm
Mood: geeky
Went Carrefour last night, managed to find beetroot!
I never knew beetroot came like this.
I thought it was longish like a carrot.....
*blush*
Once peeled, the density inside is like a potato and the flesh is a rich aubergine colour.
Its about a dollar each for a beetroot thats about the size of a thai mini coconut.
Its not easily available and you can't find it at NTUC or Cold Storage either.
Some friends have been telling me that beetroot has detoxifying properties
& of cleansing the blood.
They says it'd be good if I could take it regularly, especially after chemo.
Today, I decided to make some freshly squeezed Beetroot juice.
The aubergine colour looks really nice.
It tasted like a potato with a mild sweetness in it.
Maybe its a acquired taste I think.
But its not that bad,I can get use to it.....
Anyways its suppose to be good for you!
I never knew beetroot came like this.
I thought it was longish like a carrot.....
*blush*
Once peeled, the density inside is like a potato and the flesh is a rich aubergine colour.
Its about a dollar each for a beetroot thats about the size of a thai mini coconut.
Its not easily available and you can't find it at NTUC or Cold Storage either.
Some friends have been telling me that beetroot has detoxifying properties
& of cleansing the blood.
They says it'd be good if I could take it regularly, especially after chemo.
Today, I decided to make some freshly squeezed Beetroot juice.
The aubergine colour looks really nice.
It tasted like a potato with a mild sweetness in it.
Maybe its a acquired taste I think.
But its not that bad,I can get use to it.....
Anyways its suppose to be good for you!
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3rd cycle of R-GIFOX
Mar. 8th, 2007 | 03:35 pm
Mood: 
groggy
Was admitted on 21st Feb & just discharged for home on Tues, 6th March.
This 3rd round of chemo has again taken its toll on me.
These drugs must be real strong cos I've been getting fever after EVERY cycle of this new regime.
There was a point the fever reached 39*C plus!
Again, they had to put me on a antibiotic drip for a week.
I slept thru round the clock the next few days from morn til nite......
On at least 2 days I went without any food & didn't eat at all.
The nurses were worried..... they propped me up on the bed & weaned me on Ensure milk supplement to make sure I still get some nutrients.
Over the next few days, the fever went away & my temperature dip to normal.
But my cell count also dipped extremely low..... which made me neutropenic again!
Same protocol.
Transfered to a Isolation room.
Continue to monitor body temperature.
Wait......and wait somemore... for cell count to increase before I can be released for home.
They also did a CT scan on me to see how I am responding to the drugs & also to see the condition of the lung infection.
Thank God it was a favourable report from the scan!
The 3 tumors have somewhat decreased in size and the lung infection seems to be clearing up.
BUT.....(the catch here) is I need to be on this drug called Voriconazole* for the next 6 months.
The fungal infection in my lungs, my Doc says is serious, and may take me out faster than the cancer itself.
The issue now is that this drug costs $250 a tab. (I'm Not Joking)
I need 2 tabs a day, so that's $500 a day.
Do your maths and you'll know that it'll cost me $15,000 a month.
Multiply that by 6 months and you'll have $90,000.
$90K for a drug just to clean up the lung infection....... or my life.......
My MSW (Medical Social Worker) is not confident that LLF is gonna cover such a huge amount.
LLF has helped me last year with $32K and another $30K this year so far...
That's already more than $60K.
We've put in another application for the upcoming 2nd transplant and that's still pending approval.
LLF has already helped me a lot but they also have other patients to help too.
There are also issues about pharmaceutical companies producing a drug like Voriconazole that has such a small demand.
Only a very select number of patients need these drugs.
Therefore only small quantities are produced.
But they need to cover the costs of Research & Development that goes into it.
Panadol.. is a different story altogether.
It is produced in large quantities cos there is a high demand for it all the time.
You can buy a whole strip of tabs off the counter for like.. a dollar or so.
And everyone consumes them & they have surplus stored in their drug kit just in case.
Its all about supply & demand.
My other option is to look for generic drugs by other pharmaceutical companies that may be cheaper alternatives.
I was told by a friend that some generic drugs in Bangkok or Malaysia can be cheaper by almost half of the original.
Its like.... you buy a $2500 Chanel handbag but you find the same thing in say...Zara for about $250.
(You get the idea)
These generic drugs are not fakes. Its still the real deal though only God knows if they work as well as the original.
Just like paracetemol is manufactured under many different brand names.
Panadol may be the preferred choice of most, but we can still get cheaper alternatives by Guardian, Watsons or watever.
At this point, I am being tested to the extreme
- physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually.
Morale has dipped a bit & I've become battle weary.
(Though I know there's still a fighter in me. One who still wants to live Life. One who still believes he will get healed)
God knows how long this whole ordeal is gonna last....
I really don't know what God's plans are for me.
But I only know that His plans are always best.
Each day, each moment... (It's not easy but) I try to continue to trust in my God.
His word says "My Grace is sufficient for you"
and He says He will provide.
I Amen to that!
----------------------------------------
*Voriconazole is originally manufactured by Pfizer under the brand name V FEND.
This 3rd round of chemo has again taken its toll on me.
These drugs must be real strong cos I've been getting fever after EVERY cycle of this new regime.
There was a point the fever reached 39*C plus!
Again, they had to put me on a antibiotic drip for a week.
I slept thru round the clock the next few days from morn til nite......
On at least 2 days I went without any food & didn't eat at all.
The nurses were worried..... they propped me up on the bed & weaned me on Ensure milk supplement to make sure I still get some nutrients.
Over the next few days, the fever went away & my temperature dip to normal.
But my cell count also dipped extremely low..... which made me neutropenic again!
Same protocol.
Transfered to a Isolation room.
Continue to monitor body temperature.
Wait......and wait somemore... for cell count to increase before I can be released for home.
They also did a CT scan on me to see how I am responding to the drugs & also to see the condition of the lung infection.
Thank God it was a favourable report from the scan!
The 3 tumors have somewhat decreased in size and the lung infection seems to be clearing up.
BUT.....(the catch here) is I need to be on this drug called Voriconazole* for the next 6 months.
The fungal infection in my lungs, my Doc says is serious, and may take me out faster than the cancer itself.
The issue now is that this drug costs $250 a tab. (I'm Not Joking)
I need 2 tabs a day, so that's $500 a day.
Do your maths and you'll know that it'll cost me $15,000 a month.
Multiply that by 6 months and you'll have $90,000.
$90K for a drug just to clean up the lung infection....... or my life.......
My MSW (Medical Social Worker) is not confident that LLF is gonna cover such a huge amount.
LLF has helped me last year with $32K and another $30K this year so far...
That's already more than $60K.
We've put in another application for the upcoming 2nd transplant and that's still pending approval.
LLF has already helped me a lot but they also have other patients to help too.
There are also issues about pharmaceutical companies producing a drug like Voriconazole that has such a small demand.
Only a very select number of patients need these drugs.
Therefore only small quantities are produced.
But they need to cover the costs of Research & Development that goes into it.
Panadol.. is a different story altogether.
It is produced in large quantities cos there is a high demand for it all the time.
You can buy a whole strip of tabs off the counter for like.. a dollar or so.
And everyone consumes them & they have surplus stored in their drug kit just in case.
Its all about supply & demand.
My other option is to look for generic drugs by other pharmaceutical companies that may be cheaper alternatives.
I was told by a friend that some generic drugs in Bangkok or Malaysia can be cheaper by almost half of the original.
Its like.... you buy a $2500 Chanel handbag but you find the same thing in say...Zara for about $250.
(You get the idea)
These generic drugs are not fakes. Its still the real deal though only God knows if they work as well as the original.
Just like paracetemol is manufactured under many different brand names.
Panadol may be the preferred choice of most, but we can still get cheaper alternatives by Guardian, Watsons or watever.
At this point, I am being tested to the extreme
- physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually.
Morale has dipped a bit & I've become battle weary.
(Though I know there's still a fighter in me. One who still wants to live Life. One who still believes he will get healed)
God knows how long this whole ordeal is gonna last....
I really don't know what God's plans are for me.
But I only know that His plans are always best.
Each day, each moment... (It's not easy but) I try to continue to trust in my God.
His word says "My Grace is sufficient for you"
and He says He will provide.
I Amen to that!
----------------------------------------
*Voriconazole is originally manufactured by Pfizer under the brand name V FEND.
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In Memory
Mar. 1st, 2007 | 05:16 pm
John 3:16 (New International Version)
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Ian Lam
22 July 1971 - 2 June 2007
Luke 23:43 (New King James Version)
And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”
----------------------------------------
*This entry was updated & edited by![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
schnauzerguy
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Ian Lam
22 July 1971 - 2 June 2007
Luke 23:43 (New King James Version)
And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”
----------------------------------------
*This entry was updated & edited by
schnauzerguyLink | Leave Message Read comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
Self-jab continues..
Feb. 21st, 2007 | 05:04 pm
Mood: 
listless
Every time after chemo, white cell counts will dip abnormally low and I may not be able to fight off infections.
In order to boost it, I need to do a self injection every morning.
I try to get it over & done with so I can carry on with my day......
Just clean area, connect the two parts together, push out the air, jab, clean again & I'm done!
No big deal!
Its nothing scary now,
though its a different story all together last year when I had to learn to do it!
refer last year's entry
In order to boost it, I need to do a self injection every morning.
I try to get it over & done with so I can carry on with my day......
Just clean area, connect the two parts together, push out the air, jab, clean again & I'm done!
No big deal!
Its nothing scary now,
though its a different story all together last year when I had to learn to do it!
refer last year's entry
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Being lite seems a Weighty issue
Feb. 19th, 2007 | 11:01 am
Mood: 
confused
Been home for a couple of days and appetite is picking up...
Maybe cos the meals at home are steaming Hot straight from a pot or pan, enjoyed in a proper dinner table setting ;
rather than at hospital where it comes in a tray that arrives lukewarm... almost turning cold,
and eating off a trolley table lying on a bed! Its just so unpalatable!
Before diagnosis in Nov '05, I weighed in at 75kg cos I was training hard in the gym.
Thru'out 2006, it's been fluctuating up & down with each treatment, always hovering around 70kg.
I dipped to 66.5kg in Aug after my transplant.
But as of Dec last year, I managed to get my weight back to 70kg again..
BEFORE AFTER
75 kg 62 kg
Now just after 2 cycles of this new chemo, I lost 5kg the 1st round and lost another 3kg after the 2nd cycle.
Now I weigh just 62kg. My lightest ever!
I'm a little bit under for someone my height of 1.8m.
My medical team & dietitian are very worried cos I've been losing tooo much weight in such a short span.
Friends & everyone say I look thin...
I've not been eating during & also few days after chemo.
I already thank God that i don't puke, what more a appetite to eat....
At most, I would just drink fish soup that my Mom prepared from home.
There's cause for concern cos I need to be physically & nutritionally strong to continue to fight this battle.
My dietitian recommends that I supplement with Ensure (a complete meal drink) to boost my calories.
Also to consume foods with heathy fats in them, like Full-Fat diary produts, peanut butter, margarine, olive oil & organic unroasted nuts, etc.
It comes in standard vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and others like banana, blackcurrant & fruits of the forest, though my fave is raspberry ;)~
Its nice when you chill it in the fridge, its like a milkshake.
This is something new for me.
In my teens, I have always battled a obesity problem.
Would you believe I weighed 125kg at 16 yrs old !!
At 17, I managed to lose 50kg+ in one year thru diet, proper nutrition, regular jogging & exercise.
I maintained a normal weight (70 - 75kg) from NS and all thru'out my 20s' with a constant awareness & discipline to eat healthy & exercise regularly.
I hardly eat fried foods, only fish or chicken for me. Plus lots of veggies & tofu (beancurd).
No sodas. No chips. No junk food!
I trim away all visible fat & skin off my chicken, and skim off all the oil floating in my soup,
and my beverages are sweetened with Equal (artificial sweetener).
All my life, I've been psyched up into that mode already.
Now I've to eat a (healthy) Full-Fat diet......??.....(feeling a bit lost)......
On the bright side, well.... at least now I can enjoy & indulge without guilt! ;)
Maybe cos the meals at home are steaming Hot straight from a pot or pan, enjoyed in a proper dinner table setting ;
rather than at hospital where it comes in a tray that arrives lukewarm... almost turning cold,
and eating off a trolley table lying on a bed! Its just so unpalatable!
Before diagnosis in Nov '05, I weighed in at 75kg cos I was training hard in the gym.
Thru'out 2006, it's been fluctuating up & down with each treatment, always hovering around 70kg.
I dipped to 66.5kg in Aug after my transplant.
But as of Dec last year, I managed to get my weight back to 70kg again..
BEFORE AFTER
75 kg 62 kg
Now just after 2 cycles of this new chemo, I lost 5kg the 1st round and lost another 3kg after the 2nd cycle.
Now I weigh just 62kg. My lightest ever!
I'm a little bit under for someone my height of 1.8m.
My medical team & dietitian are very worried cos I've been losing tooo much weight in such a short span.
Friends & everyone say I look thin...
I've not been eating during & also few days after chemo.
I already thank God that i don't puke, what more a appetite to eat....
At most, I would just drink fish soup that my Mom prepared from home.
There's cause for concern cos I need to be physically & nutritionally strong to continue to fight this battle.
My dietitian recommends that I supplement with Ensure (a complete meal drink) to boost my calories.
Also to consume foods with heathy fats in them, like Full-Fat diary produts, peanut butter, margarine, olive oil & organic unroasted nuts, etc.
It comes in standard vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and others like banana, blackcurrant & fruits of the forest, though my fave is raspberry ;)~
Its nice when you chill it in the fridge, its like a milkshake.
This is something new for me.
In my teens, I have always battled a obesity problem.
Would you believe I weighed 125kg at 16 yrs old !!
At 17, I managed to lose 50kg+ in one year thru diet, proper nutrition, regular jogging & exercise.
I maintained a normal weight (70 - 75kg) from NS and all thru'out my 20s' with a constant awareness & discipline to eat healthy & exercise regularly.
I hardly eat fried foods, only fish or chicken for me. Plus lots of veggies & tofu (beancurd).
No sodas. No chips. No junk food!
I trim away all visible fat & skin off my chicken, and skim off all the oil floating in my soup,
and my beverages are sweetened with Equal (artificial sweetener).
All my life, I've been psyched up into that mode already.
Now I've to eat a (healthy) Full-Fat diet......??.....(feeling a bit lost)......
On the bright side, well.... at least now I can enjoy & indulge without guilt! ;)
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2nd cycle of R-GIFOX chemo
Feb. 17th, 2007 | 07:50 am
Mood: dazed & groggy
Just finished my 2nd cycle of R-GIFOX.
Was admitted on Tues, 5th Feb and Rituximab was Day One's drug that was admistered first.
The next few days, I developed a fever although I wasn't neutropenic, so chemo continued til it finished running its course of 4 days.
They put me on the antibiotic drip (Again!) that runs for a week so its just gonna eat into next week's home leave ;(
Later the doctors told me that I've developed a fungal infection in the lungs.
It may be caused by the extensive treatment that I've been undergoing the past year and this has resulsted in a lowered immunity system & more prone to infections.
I didn't realise the seriousness of it til Dr Tan said
"It's better that we treat you now for the infection. It'd be sad if we lose you to the infection rather than the cancer itself".
They started me on a some medications that cost some serious BLING!!
There is a syrupy thingy (tho its a little bitter) cost $200 for a 150ml bottle.
I take 40ml 3 times a day. That's more than $50 a pop!
Voriconazole, each tablet costs $250! which I take twice a day for the next couple months probably. I reckon if i'll be on it for 2 months, it would costs $15 K !!
(The way these pharmaceutical companies are charging...its Crazy!!)
But if they say so, that you have to take them, then you just have to take 'em.
By Thurs 15th Feb, I was already neutropenic* so they had to move me to Isolation room.
White cell count had dropped to 0.03.
They said I can only go home when my counts come up which may take a few days
There goes my Chinese New Year holidays...... ;(
Oh well, its only CNY.... treatment & getting well are more important.
Anyway, CNY....or Christmas or my birthday or watever day will always be around.
On Fri afternoon the 16th, I was told my count hiked a bit.
Its still low but hopefully increasing.
The doctors were hesitant to discharge me cos its a risk as my counts are still low.
But finally they decide to let me home!
HOORAY!!
So I will still need to avoid crowds, get rest and watch for any fever or other symtoms etc.
Just that I'd have to promise to do the self-jab thing again to boost the counts and check myself into A & E immediately if I don't feel well in any way.
I was thinking I may be spending CNY stuck in hospital, pick & probe at hospital food (which at most I'll only eat 2 mouthfuls) and being a stoned bedhead all day.
Instead I was pleasantly surprised when they told me I can be discharged.
God delivers in unexpected ways just when you least expect it!
Oh Thank God!
At least I have a few days of holiday break to rest til my 3rd cycle of chemo next week.
Have a Blessed, Healthy & Happy Chinese New Year to all!
----------------------------------------
*neutropenia -
An abnormal decrease in the number of neutrophils, a type of white blood cell (that fight infections).
Was admitted on Tues, 5th Feb and Rituximab was Day One's drug that was admistered first.
The next few days, I developed a fever although I wasn't neutropenic, so chemo continued til it finished running its course of 4 days.
They put me on the antibiotic drip (Again!) that runs for a week so its just gonna eat into next week's home leave ;(
Later the doctors told me that I've developed a fungal infection in the lungs.
It may be caused by the extensive treatment that I've been undergoing the past year and this has resulsted in a lowered immunity system & more prone to infections.
I didn't realise the seriousness of it til Dr Tan said
"It's better that we treat you now for the infection. It'd be sad if we lose you to the infection rather than the cancer itself".
They started me on a some medications that cost some serious BLING!!
There is a syrupy thingy (tho its a little bitter) cost $200 for a 150ml bottle.
I take 40ml 3 times a day. That's more than $50 a pop!
Voriconazole, each tablet costs $250! which I take twice a day for the next couple months probably. I reckon if i'll be on it for 2 months, it would costs $15 K !!
(The way these pharmaceutical companies are charging...its Crazy!!)
But if they say so, that you have to take them, then you just have to take 'em.
By Thurs 15th Feb, I was already neutropenic* so they had to move me to Isolation room.
White cell count had dropped to 0.03.
They said I can only go home when my counts come up which may take a few days
There goes my Chinese New Year holidays...... ;(
Oh well, its only CNY.... treatment & getting well are more important.
Anyway, CNY....or Christmas or my birthday or watever day will always be around.
On Fri afternoon the 16th, I was told my count hiked a bit.
Its still low but hopefully increasing.
The doctors were hesitant to discharge me cos its a risk as my counts are still low.
But finally they decide to let me home!
HOORAY!!
So I will still need to avoid crowds, get rest and watch for any fever or other symtoms etc.
Just that I'd have to promise to do the self-jab thing again to boost the counts and check myself into A & E immediately if I don't feel well in any way.
I was thinking I may be spending CNY stuck in hospital, pick & probe at hospital food (which at most I'll only eat 2 mouthfuls) and being a stoned bedhead all day.
Instead I was pleasantly surprised when they told me I can be discharged.
God delivers in unexpected ways just when you least expect it!
Oh Thank God!
At least I have a few days of holiday break to rest til my 3rd cycle of chemo next week.
Have a Blessed, Healthy & Happy Chinese New Year to all!
----------------------------------------
*neutropenia -
An abnormal decrease in the number of neutrophils, a type of white blood cell (that fight infections).
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Joyce Soh - Inspiration from our very own doorstep.
Feb. 4th, 2007 | 01:08 pm
Mood: inspired
Joyce Soh's story was featured on "Against All Odds" on Ch 5, Thurs 1st Feb.
Despite being physically challenged, she has not let it hinder her pursuit to live a normal life!
By looking beyond her own disability & overcoming ALL odds, she is able to help others through volunteer work & be a positive contribution to society!
It is when you look to others' needs & wounds that you focus less on your own wounds...
I am truly INSPIRED!!
Excerpts From National Council of Social Service :
Joyce Soh was a typical child who spent her days playing with her brother and sister. Her life took a turn at the age of three when she contacted meningitis and suffered from high fever. The fever affected her nerve system and as a result, she now has limited use of her left arm. Relating her days after she was finally discharged following many months in the hospital, Joyce said: "I had to relearn everything I knew, from eating to walking."
Despite the initial frustrations of having
to work with only one hand, Joyce knew
she had to carry on - "I didn't give up; I just changed my goals."
It is this attitude that has seen her through life and enabled her to attain her certificate in office skills at Clementi Institute of Technical Education. After working in her father's company for a while, she finally secured a job at the Singapore General Hospital(SGH) as a clerk in the Central Sterile Supplies Department.
Her manager of nine years, Ms Ng Suat San has watched Joyce grow in the job, and even winning a service quality award from SGH. There were initial moments of uncertainty when simple tasks like the
punching of holes in documents proved to be a challenge, but again Joyce's determination carried her through.
Said Joyce: "I wanted to give up but in my heart, I knew that I could not."
Today, she does her job with an efficiency that belittles her physical disability.
The people close to Joyce have no doubts that she will succeed. Ms Julie Chong, an IT professional, said: "She has the necessary skills which will allow her to get a job easily." Ms Chong, who is wheelchair-bound, also gave Joyce a different perspective in life. "I told her there are people who look weirder then her," she said laughingly.
Joyce's determination has in fact won her some fans, among whom is Ms Sharon Chai, a church friend who praised Joyce for being able to fully embrace everything that life has to offer. "I view Joyce as normal. She is independant and does not shut herself out."
This determination translates into every aspect of Joyce's life.
On Thursdays and Sundays, Joyce can be found bowling with her friends. Other times are spent in quiet moments with her assistant cook mother or doing volunteer work. Her worries are simple, and those that everyone can relate to. She said: " I wish that I can give my parents more money each year."
Thus, remaining dutifully employed is very important to Joyce. She constantly upgrades herself by taking up classes like a computer repair course. To improve her speech, she also goes for speech therapy at SGH.
When asked about her one regret, Joyce said: " I wish that I can tie my own hair with both hands." Yet like everything else in her life, Joyce has learnt to cope and so she leans against the wall to support her weaker arm when she ties her hair.
"The wall is my friend in everything that I need to do with both hands!" she quipped.
Despite being physically challenged, she has not let it hinder her pursuit to live a normal life!
By looking beyond her own disability & overcoming ALL odds, she is able to help others through volunteer work & be a positive contribution to society!
It is when you look to others' needs & wounds that you focus less on your own wounds...
I am truly INSPIRED!!
Excerpts From National Council of Social Service :
Joyce Soh was a typical child who spent her days playing with her brother and sister. Her life took a turn at the age of three when she contacted meningitis and suffered from high fever. The fever affected her nerve system and as a result, she now has limited use of her left arm. Relating her days after she was finally discharged following many months in the hospital, Joyce said: "I had to relearn everything I knew, from eating to walking."
Despite the initial frustrations of having
to work with only one hand, Joyce knew
she had to carry on - "I didn't give up; I just changed my goals."
It is this attitude that has seen her through life and enabled her to attain her certificate in office skills at Clementi Institute of Technical Education. After working in her father's company for a while, she finally secured a job at the Singapore General Hospital(SGH) as a clerk in the Central Sterile Supplies Department.
Her manager of nine years, Ms Ng Suat San has watched Joyce grow in the job, and even winning a service quality award from SGH. There were initial moments of uncertainty when simple tasks like the
punching of holes in documents proved to be a challenge, but again Joyce's determination carried her through.
Said Joyce: "I wanted to give up but in my heart, I knew that I could not."
Today, she does her job with an efficiency that belittles her physical disability.
The people close to Joyce have no doubts that she will succeed. Ms Julie Chong, an IT professional, said: "She has the necessary skills which will allow her to get a job easily." Ms Chong, who is wheelchair-bound, also gave Joyce a different perspective in life. "I told her there are people who look weirder then her," she said laughingly.
Joyce's determination has in fact won her some fans, among whom is Ms Sharon Chai, a church friend who praised Joyce for being able to fully embrace everything that life has to offer. "I view Joyce as normal. She is independant and does not shut herself out."
This determination translates into every aspect of Joyce's life.
On Thursdays and Sundays, Joyce can be found bowling with her friends. Other times are spent in quiet moments with her assistant cook mother or doing volunteer work. Her worries are simple, and those that everyone can relate to. She said: " I wish that I can give my parents more money each year."
Thus, remaining dutifully employed is very important to Joyce. She constantly upgrades herself by taking up classes like a computer repair course. To improve her speech, she also goes for speech therapy at SGH.
When asked about her one regret, Joyce said: " I wish that I can tie my own hair with both hands." Yet like everything else in her life, Joyce has learnt to cope and so she leans against the wall to support her weaker arm when she ties her hair.
"The wall is my friend in everything that I need to do with both hands!" she quipped.